#notavictim - Melony Hill

#notavictim - Melony Hill

I believe my mother gave me away and I didn't understand it until I was much, much older. She gave me to a man, her best friend, when I was about seven years old; I'm not sure what her game was, but later in life I realized that she had to have condoned this. 

We had  just went through a house fire and the house had burnt down so we had to move in with some relatives, my mom, my sister and I. My sister and I were sharing a bed. She was about six years younger than me and we were sleeping head to foot. I felt something between my legs and I thought my sister was kicking me, but it wasn't her. When I opened my eyes, it was my mother's best friend standing on top of me and he was touching me between my legs. I don't remember what I did or even if I said anything, I just remember that first incident. 

It went from just touching me to going down on me and then he’d make me touch him but he never penetrated me. He did this on a regular basis because he lived with us, before and after the house fire. It continued for quite some time. When I was about 14, my mother walked in on me one night. I was going down on another girl and she was furious. I was like “I'm only doing what your best friend taught me to do,” you know? That's when I finally said something to her because it had been going on for years. She called me a liar and she told me that I was a pervert and a freak. She proceeded to tell all of her friends that I was making up stories about being molested and she would laugh and ridicule me. Everyone just let her talk until finally one of her friends said "If you don't report this, I will." So she finally did and stood against me in court and taking the side of my abuser, her friend. 

She told the judge that I was a liar and that he would never hurt me and that he was gay and that he loved me like he would love his own child. She proceeded to tell our family that I was a liar. And who's going to listen to a child? He kept being at our house, going with us to church, you know. 

My mother died of HIV when I was 17. After that, he tried to sleep with my little sister. She was 11. My sister recorded him, he said to her "I could give you money and take care you like I used to do Melony" and only because she recorded it did the family finally believe it. At this point, I was 18, I needed help years ago. I'm diagnosed with the Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID); I'm legally and emotionally disabled as well as having PTSD, depression and anxiety disorders. I was diagnosed at 30 and I just turned 37 this year.

Only after I started going to therapy and having these flashbacks and going through hypnosis and all types of things did I start to remember that, at the age of 10 or 11, my mother sent me to her best friend’s house by myself late at night. I blocked all of this out. This man started giving me money at a very young age. My mother used to tell everyone I was a thief, instead of questioning where this money came from, because she knew. It didn't dawn on me why she was torturing me but it was because she had to have known! She made up lie after lie to cover his behavior. Even when he got a girlfriend, she didn't check him, she said he was gay, he would never touch a woman and now he has a girlfriend?

My mother hated me. I was a keep a man baby. I have a brother whose three months older than me which means my father already had another woman pregnant and my mother knew her and she thought "Hey maybe if I can get him, maybe I can keep him." But it didn't work out. Before I was one she abandoned me. She only came back to get me because my father and my grandma was fighting over who was going to have custody of me. She had me at 16 and she was dating a man that was much older, that man, my father, didn't want her, so she found another guy who was very abusive. When I was four they married and she used to let him abuse me. I spent most of my childhood from the age of 3 to 6 sitting in a corner. I was always punished. 

He was actually murdered in front of us, in my house, when I was six. One of my cousin's boyfriends kicked the door in and stabbed him to death in front of me. The boyfriend, who was 17, was doing drugs in our house. My step-father was Muslim, so this was not allowed and kicked him out. The kid came back and killed him.  

Sex work was my only choice. My mother said to me at the age of 15: I buy your deodorant when your father pay child support. That's a direct quote. I understood that my body was a way to get money. He would give me ten to twenty dollars at a time. That was a lot of money, so I never went without snacks at school and stuff like that. My mother used to say I was stealing but she knew I wasn't. 

It progresses to older men flirting with you, it's as always older men and you tell them I would want to go out but I don't have no clothes to go no where or I don't have this and I don't have that. They'll be like “Oh, you know, I'll take care of you.” It wasn't “Oh you're a whore, I'll pay you.” It was always “Oh you need someone to take care of you.” It was cash at first. Nobody wanted to be seen with you. Even if you were not known as a sex worker, they don't want to be seen with you in public. They had to answer too many questions then. It was never that they took me to the store and that kind of thing. Not until I got older into escorting government employees and stuff, they don't care, they'll take you to the mall, they'll take your shopping and they'll take you to the restaurant. They don't care at all; they'll say it was a business meeting.

I was a whore because it was my nature. I'd been being molested so long that that's all I knew. I've been more reserved the last year or so. I missed being a whore. I don't miss sex work. I miss being a whore. I miss being free. I miss sleeping with who I want. I miss the wake up and just live aspect of what I used to do. I don't do it for two reasons now. One is image, I'm too popular. I have so many women who are looking to me right now and they think I've transitioned. I keep trying to tell them I haven't. I really do. I keep telling them like I am multi-dimensional, I'm never going to be in this box, but how far can I push it without losing what I'm building. Second is I'm very picky now. I used to be a whore and it was cool but when your options of whom to whore with are limited, you know, if there were better options I might not care about my image so much.... But these motherfuckers gonna talk, they're not like me, they're not on the level I am, they're not making money: they have nothing to lose. When you have nothing to lose, I can't deal with you. I used to have nothing to lose. I was even escorting when I was pregnant. I was even turning tricks when I had my son. I felt like it was a necessity. Which is so weird, because I came into like fifty thousand dollars about then, from insurance from both my parents dying. I didn't need to turn tricks, but it's what I knew. 

There are things that I still can’t tell you about me. My mind split when I was young. I went crazy. That's the emotional cost. I don't know much about myself. I blocked it out major events. There are chunks of time that I lose, there are other parts of me that hold memories that I don't know about. I sleep with people and don't remember them. 

At age 25, I had lost it all again. I just had an abortion. I lost my job. I hooked up with this guy who was looking for girls to do house parties. He wanted some girls to come over who would dance, have sex, give blowjobs, do girl on girl shows, whatever people were paying for. I needed money but when I got in there, I wasn't quite like the other girls. There was something different, I think, because that's all they knew. For me, even though sex work had been the thing that I had always done, but I also always had regular jobs. Good jobs. At 18, I went straight into working in Baltimore city jail. 19, I went to John Hopkins for a while. By the age of 20, I was in a Baltimore school system. I worked at a Southern High School then Digital Harbor High School which Bill Gates funded then I went to the Department of Health and Mental Hygiene. I left there and I went to a medical school for adults where they did training for medical offices, cardiovascular technology and medical assistance. I knew what it was like to live on my own, to have my own stuff, my own money. These girls, they were all desperate because they needed the money. They had no options. What I realized is that I didn't have to do the things they did to get the money. They didn't have anything but their bodies and I had something more to offer. Men didn't come out just to have sex. Men came out because their wives sucked. They had nobody to be a companion and that was when it first dawned on me that men wanted companionship; they didn't just want sex. It all changed because I stopped having sex for money. I only gave blowjobs because I was really good at it so it was a quick thing. I made more money than the girls that were in there having sex because in between blowjobs I would go sit on the guy's lap and I would just talk him and I'd tell them “I'm not sitting here for free. If you want me to stay and talk to you, you need to tip me.” They liked me. They started to like my personality because I could hold a conversation. I knew about politics and I followed what was going on in the world. I realized that I didn't have to sell my body. I just needed to be me. I took that and I went to the Internet. 

I started doing web cams and building my own websites and running my own business. Once I did that, I never looked back. I saw what the girls that were being degraded were doing: being in videos that said things like Black Whore sucks White Cock. I was doing all this on my own, I owned everything, it was like Sexy Sapphire on the beach, etc. There was never a degrading name associated with me. My image was so beautiful. I did couples porn: that was me and my boyfriend. I didn't have to sleep with a whole bunch of people. Then, I got into BDSM. I was this beautiful image of a solo girl who does what she want, she beat guys, she pisses on guys, she degrades men and let's just give her money. I put my clothes back on because the more I realized that I just had to talk to people, I was like “Oh I don't have to have sex to make money, I can just show my feet” or “Oh you'll come over, you'll clean my house if I call you a white piece of shit.” Once I realized that men paid to be degraded, humiliated and that I didn't have to even take my clothes off to take their money: it was a whole new world! God, I mean I've taken 50 grand from a guy in a year and told him on day one: you're white, I don't sleep with white men, it's never gonna to happen, the only thing I can do is rape your wallet and fuck your mind, you interested? He was like yeah. I had him for a year, all kinds of trips, everything….everything. I'm about to start teaching women BDSM. That's how great it is. That power, that dominance. I tell them sex work taught me how to love myself. 

Sex work doesn't even entail sex with some anyone. People can’t understand it. It just entails me being strong and powerful and embracing who I am and being able to take my power back from men. I started a life coaching business in October. I'mma tell you now, last month was my first 10k in earnings. I never thought I'd make ten thousand dollars in a month. Never ever. People see me going from sex worker to mainstream and they love it because everybody has a whore background. We all have a whore background and some of us to a really really bad extent that we feel like we can't be who we want to be in life because of the shit that's following us. The weird thing is it all depends on how you introduce it. I always thought that women didn't like me, like when I used to be Sexy Sapphire, when I dressed really slutty and my ass was always out there and I liked that, there is nothing wrong with it. When I was dressing like that, women didn't relate to me as much. Women avoided me; I was intimidating. I was too sexy I was too "I might take your man." They didn't like me so I put on a couple pieces of clothing and, you know, did my hair a little differently. I actually put on a white shirt with the collar and I laughed, I said “Now I got this shirt with the white collar, that's what you all like, so go on give me your money now.” And they did, because they believe in image. It doesn't matter who you are, they fall for the image. 

I let them fall for it and then I did Facebook live for 30 days. I told them all about me being a whore. I told them all about the sex abuse and domestic violence and everything that I am, I just gave it to them in 30 days and they fell in love with me. And so I started to keep them involved in the stuff I was doing and that was in June. In September, I said I'm going to launch a life coaching business and they started signing up. I have a high school diploma. My clients have Ph.D.s. They have bachelor's degrees, they have associates degrees. I have a high school diploma. 

I published a book last year, and then I published seven more. Late next month, my eighth book comes out, in two years. I've been coaching women on publishing books and everything. Anything that I know how to do I'm going to learn how to make money off of because that's what I've been doing since childhood. I'm a hustler, I've always got paid for being me. 

I can actually really enjoy sex now. A couple of years ago I had to be abused to even have sex; I couldn't enjoy normal sex. I've actually had a guy put off me because he was being too nice and sweet romantic and I was like beat me. I'm not there anymore thankfully, therapy was good to me. 

As a whole, I hate men. I like individual males but I don't like men at all. A man is someone who walks all over you, someone to take control of, hurt them before they hurt you. I've got to get to know you first but, in general, I'm leery of men. I just want to abuse them. I love women in theory. I like them from a distance. It's really been hard for me because I'm an introvert and because of this new business I started, women like cling to me. I’ve dealt with women who want me, I go to sleep with women on me, it's really hard because I never had female friends. I was reserved because I was molested. I was the girl sitting on the porch with a book or I played Barbie until I was like 14, so I was different than my friends. 

I'm constantly trying to figure out what I am. I used to like girls. I don't think I do. I think that was either a different me or phase. I really like to cuddle them and be close to them. I don't think I like sex with them. I don't know. I identify as poly, I never have been in a monogamous relationship even though I've tried. I'm not good at it. I always tell people you've got to be willing to share me. I really see myself like a hippie on a commune with everybody I love in one place and we're all sleeping with each other, like that's the life that I think is best for me. I love me. I’ve worked very hard to be this version of me. It's great.

Because I'm a multiple, a DID, my mind has saved me from a lot of tragedy. I really think that it blocks me from things that will hurt me to the point where I can handle it. There were seven personalities the last time I was aware but it's not like they're all active. You know how someone would be in the middle of a conversation and they forget what they’re saying and it's like they blank out. For me, that could be a whole transition. The other personalities are totally divorced from me. I know nothing about them except for other people tell me. Would you believe it if I told you that even life physical features change when I change? One of me has freckles.It used to be really dangerous, but they’re not like they used to be. Therapy really helped because they used to take me out to a house in the middle of a night or let strangers in my house and I used to be really reckless.

Therapy saved my life. I wasn't like this. I wasn't so put together. My mind has changed so much.There was hypnosis. There was points where we recorded my sessions and I was able to listen back to what the others said. there were some exercises where we went inside my mind to rescue pieces of me. There was group therapy at a point and it was a long, long, hard process of being real with myself. That's what therapy does, it allows you to process and go through all of these different things that are affecting you and you don't even know why. And it helps you try to get through and try to figure out why you have these issues. I'm more understanding of what I need as a whole instead of trying to be what people say I should be or what society tells me is acceptable. I think that that alone drives people to mental illness. I think so many of us try to live up to what's expected of us or society says we should be; trying to deny who you are. Society thinks because I'm a woman I'm supposed to be prim and proper. I'm supposed to find someone early that I like and I'm supposed to settle down for life with this person when I don't know how they're going to change over the course of the years. I was supposed to be a virgin when I met a man. We are supposed to go to church every Sunday and have three point five kids and I'm supposed to meet a man who's stable and secure enough that I can stay at home with my kids because mothers who work are horrible. Who the fuck wants to live like that?

#notavictim - Violet Paley

#notavictim - Violet Paley

#notavictim - Carol Leigh

#notavictim - Carol Leigh